Saying Goodbye to Mom

It is once again Friday morning.  I woke up about an hour ago, realized it was Friday, and reminded myself that I need to call Mom after she is done with breakfast around 9 a.m. at the place where she lives, and has lived for the past six years.

But, I then quickly realized that there is no need to call Mom because she is no longer with us.

Mom passed away on January 20 at 11:24 p.m.  I was with her by her bedside, as was a wonderful nurse from Hospice.  We were the only two people with her when she just suddenly quit breathing, took only a few more short random breaths, then left us to run into the arms of Jesus, leaving me reeling from her passing, which was a day or two earlier than what we had been told would likely happen by the nurses caring for her.

No more Fridays out with Mom.  Ever.

Mother ribbon sm

Instead, I have a list of appointments with the attorney, the broker, the funeral home and the monument folks who will soon be etching her date of death on the marker that she placed on her own grave site back in 1999 when Daddy died.  She has missed him so very much, just as she has missed my older brother, and if there is any consolation to me right now, it is the fact that I truly believe she is with them once again, along with many other family members and friends that she has deeply mourned for years.  It is some consolation, but honestly, not much.

I haven’t had the ugly cry yet.  I am trying to put it off until I get more of her business affairs in order and can eventually just try to relax a bit.  There has not been time for that since late December and probably won’t be time for at least a couple of weeks at best.  I guess I am afraid that once I break down, it may take a while to get back up or something.  But, it will come.  It always does.  I’m betting it will come when my hubby resumes his work travel next week and leaves me home alone for the first time since her death.  It won’t be his fault, but being alone will now have a whole new meaning in my life.  I also don’t think the reality and finality of her passing has truly hit me yet.  I know it will at some point.

I have been able to share some brief tidbits on Facebook with friends there through this sad time of her illness and death, but I just couldn’t bring myself to actually write more from my heart here.  This is about the best I can do right now, but I think over time, I can start writing again.  I’ve always been able to move on at some point after a tragedy and loss, and I trust it will happen again.

For the first time in our lives, my husband and I have no living parents.  I am now a matriarch at age 56.  That just doesn’t seem right.  I’m too young to be without a parent, I think.

Time to get ready and head out for all these not-so-fun appointments.  I would much rather be looking forward to lunch at the steakhouse with Mom instead.

I miss you, Mom.

D
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Happy New Year

Happy new year to one and all!  I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas with those you love.

I wanted to just pop in for a bit to give a little update on what has happened since my last post here.  My mother is back in the hospital once again after experiencing some seizures for the first time on December 23.  Two weeks prior to that, she had fallen and hit her head hard, but the tests done in the ER at that time showed no injury other than the cut above her left eye and the bruises on her left arm.  She was released a couple of hours after she was seen in the ER on that visit.  An MRI was done in the ER this time, and there is evidence of one or more small strokes sometime in the past, possibly in the two-week period between these episodes.  The seizures were controlled after a couple of days with medication, but she is still not responding very well mentally and has a feeding tube at this time to receive some meds and her nutrition.  The plan is for her to be transferred back to rehab as soon as the move can be arranged, likely early next week at the soonest.  Therapists will try to work with her to see if they can get her to take nutrition and meds by mouth again and see if they can make any progress with her mentally.  I will be honest and say that two different doctors have shared with me that they are not very hopeful of making progress with her, but the second doctor told me that he is “not ready to give up on her just yet.”  Those were his exact words.

Needless to say, we are now in uncharted territory with her.  If you are a praying person, I hope you will lift her and her doctors and therapists up in prayer over the coming days.  I’m praying for God’s healing for her, in whatever form that needs to happen, as well as peace for her soul right now which is sorely needed.  I would also appreciate your prayers.  This is hard.  Very hard.

We were able to still spend a couple of days on our planned “Camping Christmas” trip with our daughter and son-in-law from California, as well as our son that lives here.  It was the first time in three years that we were all together, and some family members here at home covered for me for those first few days until we returned home early from our trip to see about Mom.  We were already out-of-town, and God works everything for a reason.  I believe it was a good thing for these relatives, including my sister, to be with Mom at this time, as almost all of them do not spend much, if any, time with Mom regularly.  Some had not seen her in many weeks, even months, and it bothered Mom terribly that they did not come around very often.  Now that I am home again, I am truly sad to see that they have all dropped out of the picture once again, too.

Even though our holiday together was clouded by this unexpected event with Mom, my little family made the best of our brief time, and I feel so blessed that we at least had those days to be together.  It was a trip that had been in the works for months, and I know now that this is something I would love to continue to do in the future, if possible, even if my whole family cannot be there each year.  We even had a dusting of snow on our drive to the area, making the landscape uniquely beautiful in a way we had not seen on previous trips.

I’m sorry that I have not been able to catch up with my blog reading here, but hopefully things will settle down a bit here soon so that I can start catching up on many things, including Reader.  Life is most definitely throwing curve balls my way right now, including ice and snow on the roads all this week, which is making trips to the hospital extremely challenging.  I’m taking great comfort in familiar routines right now, such as Bible reading and my gratitude journal.  If you have never kept a daily gratitude journal, perhaps this is the year you might give it a try?  I’m not sure where I would be these days without mine and my daily time in my Bible.  It is so easy to become ungrounded during times like this, and I just do not want to go down that road at all.  I cannot even begin to say what my dear friends mean to me right now, too.  God bless them one and all.

As I take a quick glance back on 2014, I am probably most grateful for the change in my overall physical health for the better.  It took some time and patience to make those basic changes last year, but it was so worth it.  I cannot begin to tell how grateful I am for better health and hope to continue and improve in 2015 even more.  The gift of health is forefront in my mind today as I care for my elderly mother, and I realize that the gift of health is something we should never take for granted.

Once again, Happy New Year, and may this new year bring a fresh spirit of joy, peace and love to each of us and those we love.

D
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