It is once again Friday morning. I woke up about an hour ago, realized it was Friday, and reminded myself that I need to call Mom after she is done with breakfast around 9 a.m. at the place where she lives, and has lived for the past six years.
But, I then quickly realized that there is no need to call Mom because she is no longer with us.
Mom passed away on January 20 at 11:24 p.m. I was with her by her bedside, as was a wonderful nurse from Hospice. We were the only two people with her when she just suddenly quit breathing, took only a few more short random breaths, then left us to run into the arms of Jesus, leaving me reeling from her passing, which was a day or two earlier than what we had been told would likely happen by the nurses caring for her.
No more Fridays out with Mom. Ever.
Instead, I have a list of appointments with the attorney, the broker, the funeral home and the monument folks who will soon be etching her date of death on the marker that she placed on her own grave site back in 1999 when Daddy died. She has missed him so very much, just as she has missed my older brother, and if there is any consolation to me right now, it is the fact that I truly believe she is with them once again, along with many other family members and friends that she has deeply mourned for years. It is some consolation, but honestly, not much.
I haven’t had the ugly cry yet. I am trying to put it off until I get more of her business affairs in order and can eventually just try to relax a bit. There has not been time for that since late December and probably won’t be time for at least a couple of weeks at best. I guess I am afraid that once I break down, it may take a while to get back up or something. But, it will come. It always does. I’m betting it will come when my hubby resumes his work travel next week and leaves me home alone for the first time since her death. It won’t be his fault, but being alone will now have a whole new meaning in my life. I also don’t think the reality and finality of her passing has truly hit me yet. I know it will at some point.
I have been able to share some brief tidbits on Facebook with friends there through this sad time of her illness and death, but I just couldn’t bring myself to actually write more from my heart here. This is about the best I can do right now, but I think over time, I can start writing again. I’ve always been able to move on at some point after a tragedy and loss, and I trust it will happen again.
For the first time in our lives, my husband and I have no living parents. I am now a matriarch at age 56. That just doesn’t seem right. I’m too young to be without a parent, I think.
Time to get ready and head out for all these not-so-fun appointments. I would much rather be looking forward to lunch at the steakhouse with Mom instead.
I miss you, Mom.